Thursday, September 01, 2005
Hot Slut History Lesson: Jackie Stallone ( YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED...this bitch is SUPER insane, so you have to read all of it!)
uh, ok sluts......if you don't know who jackie stallone is, then you bitches are in for a treat. this slut is sly stallone's mom and is basically the craziest bizsnatch in the whole universe. this slut is probably most famous for her astrological and psychic "powers" and for popping Sly out her cooch, but there is more to this slut than ass readings (yes, she reads asses, more about this later) and her retarded son.
ok, so according to her biography on her hot website, jackie was born to a hot attorney dude and a parisian socialite/attorney lady in washington d.c. 500 years ago (ok not 500 years ago, but pretty much), but me thinks this bitch is full of shit and she was really the result of a bad bad laboratory experiment involving a tub of botox, some hydrofluoric acid, and a baboon playing in mary kate olsen's closet. seriously, who would give birth to this mess. it would like melt your vagina. anyways, whatever, so someone popped this bitch out her cooch and thus was born the most insane bitch to ever exist.
so this ho grew up in DC and had the way famous body builder slut Charles Atlas hanging around her all the time. apparently Charlie taught this bitch a bunch of crap and when the mess that is jackie turned 15 she ran away from home and joined the fucking circus. (hahaha, that isnt'a joke!! that's for realz...but i bet the real reason she ended up in the circus was because her parents didn't know what to do with their pet baboon so they donated her ass to the Barnum and Baily's Circus. jackie better keep it real!)
anyway, this bitch ran away with Ringling Bros. Barnum and Baily and became part of the Flying Wallenda's act. she did that shit for a while and then this bitch went Jane Fonda style and had her own excercise show on tv (but she did it before Jane, because duh, this skank is old as fuck. but you know what i mean). after her stint on tv, she opened some hot ladies' gym called "Barbella's". Eventually, this ho went on to create an outlet for other ugly as fuck yet physically fit hobags to strut their shit and started G.L.O.W. "The Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling" which she ran out of Las Vegas!
Ok so after that, this skank did the ultimate in hot slutting and joined forces with the super duper fabulous Richard Le Fag Simmons and made the hottest excercise video to ever exist...."Silver Foxes"!!! i wish they had turned that into a sit com! silver foxes was hot because it was an excercise video for hot senior citizens!! HAHAHAH oh my god, just imagine that hotness!!!!!!
yeah so her life was all fabulous and then one day bitch realized she was a psychic astrologist and that the best way to tell the future was to read people's ass cracks. hahahahhahaha. dude, is this what giving birth to something like sylvester stallone does to you?????
ok so according to jackie, she is the reason many "accredited" colleges and universities offer astrology courses. ok, what? what "accredited" college would let Jackie Stallone tell them what to do. this bitch is so nuts.
she didn't even get her high school diploma until she was 40. but to her credit, she did take her scary transvestite-looking ass to college and got herself a BS in Chemistry which she uses to make secret potions to keep her face from becoming a pool of vomit.
so apparently sly is making a movie about his mom's life and Jackie is trying to get Angelina Jolie to play her ass!!! hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Please god, PLEASE let this come true!!
yeah so now this bitch just goes around with her scary ass face telling people about their futures and the stars and crap like that...BUT if you really want to know the secrets of your life and your future you can take a picture of your ass and send it to her and for 120$ she will read your ass lines and tell you all the sweet nothings you've always wanted to hear!!!
i can't do her "rump-readings" any justice by giving you the information in my own words so i'm going to quote some of her "Rump-Readings" page exactly:
"Rumpology: Jacqueline Stallone has revived the ancient art of Rumpology.....The lines, crevices and folds of your fanny can, to the trained eye, reveal your personality, fate, and future in luck and love."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....this is serious work bitces! damn, i couldn't make this shit up if i tried....here's more....
"Send a close up picture of your rear and by either using a digital camera or scanning a photo - attatch your image to the order form" (oh my god, bitches...and there is an example of an ass for you to look at in case you get confused....apparently the example ass belongs to a "Hollywood Gigolo" !hahahhaha i bet it's sly's. that bitch will do anything for his mama.)....
"Jacqueline will read the image of your rump and you'll receive:
1. your personal and condensed, no frills report on the signs and markings on your rear end
2. a condensed, one year prediction in the direction your rear end is taking you...love, career, and finance
3. (ok this is the best one...) As in palmestry, the left hand print and foot print are your past, as is the left cheek of your behind. (then it's all blah blah, about your body being a temple..but you get a reading of your cheeks as they relate to the past and present!!!!! oh my god this is so worth the 120$!!!)
4. (same as 3, but it has to do with your right cheek and it's relation to knowledge and the future)
5. (ok i take it back, THIS IS THE BEST ONE!) .... An 8.5X11 glossy print of your rear end, which you may want to frame as a family keepsake when the fates smile on you; or give as a gift to a special person."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok, im not even making that up. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE!! hahahahaha this bitch is so brilliant! that is so genius! you know this bitch has pictures of her ass all over her house....and on her christmas cards!!! DUDE!!! i love that she actually exists!!
man this slut is so hot i never want her to die. she was recently on Big Brother UK but her ass got kicked off and she was super angry about it because she claims the Big Brother people made her look like a dog. note to jackie: hunny, you did that on your own.
anyways whores, you should all love and adore her and when you skanks get your ass reading please keep me in mind as the special person you want to give your ass picture to!!
extra bonus:
here is a the list this bitch has on her website of the supposed predictions she has made that came true......hahaha damnit, i want her to adopt me!
The Fall of the Berlin Wall
The problems of the royal family and why
the outcome of the OJ Simpson case (AHAHAHAHAHA)
The winner of the British General Election: Tony Blair
The winner of the US presidential election: George Bush
Color and make of the car and the number of victims in the DC sniper case
haha damn, Jackie is a true national treasure!!!! ¶ 12:46 PM
uh, ok sluts......if you don't know who jackie stallone is, then you bitches are in for a treat. this slut is sly stallone's mom and is basically the craziest bizsnatch in the whole universe. this slut is probably most famous for her astrological and psychic "powers" and for popping Sly out her cooch, but there is more to this slut than ass readings (yes, she reads asses, more about this later) and her retarded son.
ok, so according to her biography on her hot website, jackie was born to a hot attorney dude and a parisian socialite/attorney lady in washington d.c. 500 years ago (ok not 500 years ago, but pretty much), but me thinks this bitch is full of shit and she was really the result of a bad bad laboratory experiment involving a tub of botox, some hydrofluoric acid, and a baboon playing in mary kate olsen's closet. seriously, who would give birth to this mess. it would like melt your vagina. anyways, whatever, so someone popped this bitch out her cooch and thus was born the most insane bitch to ever exist.
so this ho grew up in DC and had the way famous body builder slut Charles Atlas hanging around her all the time. apparently Charlie taught this bitch a bunch of crap and when the mess that is jackie turned 15 she ran away from home and joined the fucking circus. (hahaha, that isnt'a joke!! that's for realz...but i bet the real reason she ended up in the circus was because her parents didn't know what to do with their pet baboon so they donated her ass to the Barnum and Baily's Circus. jackie better keep it real!)
anyway, this bitch ran away with Ringling Bros. Barnum and Baily and became part of the Flying Wallenda's act. she did that shit for a while and then this bitch went Jane Fonda style and had her own excercise show on tv (but she did it before Jane, because duh, this skank is old as fuck. but you know what i mean). after her stint on tv, she opened some hot ladies' gym called "Barbella's". Eventually, this ho went on to create an outlet for other ugly as fuck yet physically fit hobags to strut their shit and started G.L.O.W. "The Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling" which she ran out of Las Vegas!
Ok so after that, this skank did the ultimate in hot slutting and joined forces with the super duper fabulous Richard Le Fag Simmons and made the hottest excercise video to ever exist...."Silver Foxes"!!! i wish they had turned that into a sit com! silver foxes was hot because it was an excercise video for hot senior citizens!! HAHAHAH oh my god, just imagine that hotness!!!!!!
yeah so her life was all fabulous and then one day bitch realized she was a psychic astrologist and that the best way to tell the future was to read people's ass cracks. hahahahhahaha. dude, is this what giving birth to something like sylvester stallone does to you?????
ok so according to jackie, she is the reason many "accredited" colleges and universities offer astrology courses. ok, what? what "accredited" college would let Jackie Stallone tell them what to do. this bitch is so nuts.
she didn't even get her high school diploma until she was 40. but to her credit, she did take her scary transvestite-looking ass to college and got herself a BS in Chemistry which she uses to make secret potions to keep her face from becoming a pool of vomit.
so apparently sly is making a movie about his mom's life and Jackie is trying to get Angelina Jolie to play her ass!!! hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Please god, PLEASE let this come true!!
yeah so now this bitch just goes around with her scary ass face telling people about their futures and the stars and crap like that...BUT if you really want to know the secrets of your life and your future you can take a picture of your ass and send it to her and for 120$ she will read your ass lines and tell you all the sweet nothings you've always wanted to hear!!!
i can't do her "rump-readings" any justice by giving you the information in my own words so i'm going to quote some of her "Rump-Readings" page exactly:
"Rumpology: Jacqueline Stallone has revived the ancient art of Rumpology.....The lines, crevices and folds of your fanny can, to the trained eye, reveal your personality, fate, and future in luck and love."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....this is serious work bitces! damn, i couldn't make this shit up if i tried....here's more....
"Send a close up picture of your rear and by either using a digital camera or scanning a photo - attatch your image to the order form" (oh my god, bitches...and there is an example of an ass for you to look at in case you get confused....apparently the example ass belongs to a "Hollywood Gigolo" !hahahhaha i bet it's sly's. that bitch will do anything for his mama.)....
"Jacqueline will read the image of your rump and you'll receive:
1. your personal and condensed, no frills report on the signs and markings on your rear end
2. a condensed, one year prediction in the direction your rear end is taking you...love, career, and finance
3. (ok this is the best one...) As in palmestry, the left hand print and foot print are your past, as is the left cheek of your behind. (then it's all blah blah, about your body being a temple..but you get a reading of your cheeks as they relate to the past and present!!!!! oh my god this is so worth the 120$!!!)
4. (same as 3, but it has to do with your right cheek and it's relation to knowledge and the future)
5. (ok i take it back, THIS IS THE BEST ONE!) .... An 8.5X11 glossy print of your rear end, which you may want to frame as a family keepsake when the fates smile on you; or give as a gift to a special person."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok, im not even making that up. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE!! hahahahaha this bitch is so brilliant! that is so genius! you know this bitch has pictures of her ass all over her house....and on her christmas cards!!! DUDE!!! i love that she actually exists!!
man this slut is so hot i never want her to die. she was recently on Big Brother UK but her ass got kicked off and she was super angry about it because she claims the Big Brother people made her look like a dog. note to jackie: hunny, you did that on your own.
anyways whores, you should all love and adore her and when you skanks get your ass reading please keep me in mind as the special person you want to give your ass picture to!!
extra bonus:
here is a the list this bitch has on her website of the supposed predictions she has made that came true......hahaha damnit, i want her to adopt me!
The Fall of the Berlin Wall
The problems of the royal family and why
the outcome of the OJ Simpson case (AHAHAHAHAHA)
The winner of the British General Election: Tony Blair
The winner of the US presidential election: George Bush
Color and make of the car and the number of victims in the DC sniper case
haha damn, Jackie is a true national treasure!!!! ¶ 12:46 PM
:Not KBIG. it's gone. R.I.P. Disco Workout Lunch Hour.
:Gossip Girl remains the hottest show on tv. Honorable Mention: America's Most Smartest Model!!!
:The Road by the dude who wrote Blood Meridien who's name has escaped me because that book scares me so i refuse to bring it into the bedroom with me.
:* 99cent Taco Tuesdays at El Torito followed by Dollar Scoops Tuesdays at Baskin Robbins. i only eat on tuesdays.