it's all true.....and it's better than reading textbooks 10 YEARS AGO, I...

1. was a freshman in high school

2. vacationed in Israel and Egypt for almost 3 weeks

3. liked the smiths

4. had an awesome quinceanera at this choonty place near my house where it was more about my mom than me; my mom is a hot party slut.

5. had a boyfriend that would tell me to leave my window open so he could fly through it at night while i was sleeping. *no joke, he was totally insane and marked the beginning of a pattern i should have been more aware of*



FIVE YEARS AGO, I...

1. was in australia for the summer

2. was dating a guy who thought he was god (no really, he did. he's the dude that now on and off stalks me.......i totally sucked at having sane boyfriends for a while.)

3. didn't tell my parents i was on year 2 of my 31/2 year break from college

4. worked at urban outfitters

5. hosted the infamous memorial day barbeque where i promised everyone snoop dogg was going to show up - ew, they are dumb sluts for believing me. It was still a hot party though.



TWO YEARS AGO, I...

1. oh my god, had a birthday party at dave and busters. And got totally beyond wasted. Like really beyond wasted. And I puked. It was awesome.

2. traveled through Europe with my good friend Karthika on the fabulous Contiki bus tour from hell

3. was not impressed with the America’s Next Top Model cast ( blah, eva was so boring and norelle works at Brass Plum Costa Mesa...so lame.)

4.walked around on the set of the Gilmore Girls (best lunch date ever!)

5. spent most of my weekends going to Disneyland solely for Corndogs and Indiana Jones the ride



ONE YEAR AGO, I...

1. worked for the Fullerton College Art Department as an office aide

2. was in a class that was basically in charge of putting up the shows for the Fullerton College Museum and had a classmate that was 40 and would get drunk while we had to work the shows. she also smelled like pee and onions and was in constant war with our Professor. My friend in the class and I were all about delegating work then taking 2 hour lunches at Wahoo’s where the handy man would meet us and we’d drink beer and eat tacos. It was the raddest class ever.

3. was considering applying to a private college

4. had a hippy color theory professor that handed out grades based mostly on your fuckability rating. The man was awesome because he wore big shirts with tropical fishes on them and would make random, semi-obscure jokes about a mutual friend we had (who shall remain nameless……..but you know who you are! Haha)

5. got a parking ticket every day......for realz.



YESTERDAY I...

1. ate my weight in pancakes, french toast, and corned beef hash

2. met Craig's 3 year old son, sam, and totally best friend forevered it with him (cutest little boy ever!)!!!!

3. ew, the gym

4. watched Crash......the most depressing discouraging movie ever made. blah, i hate movies with lessons.

5. stayed up and watched Dead Ringer, this hot bette davis movie where that slut kills her rich twin and tries to pass herslef off as her hot rich twin. it's a hot movie.



TODAY I...

1. finally got to talk to my cousin in austalia, i miss that slut

2. binged on edamame

3. cried when I heard the Tupac song “Dear Mama” (shut up bitches, that song is hot and tugs at my frozen heart strings, plus I am vulnerable during rush hour....rush hour traffic is not hot)

4. ew, ok, i needed new jeans so i went into Hollister and bought some. i totally had no choice..... i hate that place, it is OC hell.......but the jeans are totally hot, under $100, and perfect for my shortness.

5. oh my god, i made the most delicious tomato relish from scratch. it is super good on toast with some Gruyere



TOMORROW I WILL...


1. be excited about my Hollywood class because we are watching silent movies about flapper sluts and my professor is a crazy old dude who hates celebrities

2. spend hours in the library

3. salivate over the thought of my date with rainbow rolls on thursday

4. attempt to organize my closet

5. contemplate getting boonkrunk so i can try to meet hilary duff, maybe



FIVE SNACKS I ENJOY

1. corndogs

2. roasted beets with goat cheese and balsamic vinegar

3. gelato

4. vodka

5. soba



FIVE THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT

1. coffee

2. cash

3. happy hour

4. the on and off relationship I have with my dog charlie

5. my giant david bowie sweatshirt



FIVE THINGS I WOULD BUY WITH $1,000

(five items each worth $1000, not just a thousand split five ways)

1. oh my god, the 5 feet tall replicas of all the famous european landmarks they sell at Home Goods!!!! and then i'd put them on my parents front lawn!! that's hot shit!

2. my very own porn game machine thing (like the one at the Frolic Room/at every bar in the valley)

3. an ass-crack reading for me and about 8 of my friends from Jackie Stallone

4. blonde hair

5. andy dick (he would totally let me buy him for $1000… that slut is a desperate whore and will do anything for money (which is why I love him so)…..actually I could probably get him for $100)



FIVE BAD HABITS I HAVE

1. not calling people back (but only because im a dumb slut and I forget)

2. making friends

3. calling dudes "Stallion"

4. being a hot slut

5. buying things that are totally ugly



FIVE SHOWS I LIKE

1. America’s Next Top Model

2. Best Week Ever

3. Arrested Development

4. Girls Next Door (because of the old slut that cries because she can't be in playboy because she's old. that bitch is so funny, shes way nuts. but i think all those sluts are in playboy now....)

5. Veronica Mars (because of that episode about a popsicle going in some girls vagina...and the rape episode was hot too)…….damnit, I like ALL tv



FIVE MUSICAL ARTISTS I LIKE:


1. pavement

2. pretty ricky

3. i totally dont care....i totally love kelly clarkson

4. that black eyed peas song about boobs

5. stacie q



FIVE NAMES I GO BY:

1. slut

2. ho

3. bitch

4. jasmin

5. cordelia



FIVE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF:

1. that I have been credited with the ruining of several lives

2. that I love gossip

3. that I love television and magazines more than my family

4. my lack of self restraint

5. everything else



FIVE THINGS I DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF:


1. that I didn’t think of Holy Anorexia first


2. that I didn’t talk to Jonathan Antin when I had the chance because I was too drunk to walk and I didn’t think crawling would be very attractive. Damnit, what was I thinking….crawling is always hot


3. that I’m far from being an olsen (reality is so harsh)


4. that I forget peoples names immediately


5. my heart of gold



FIVE THINGS I FEAR:


1. myself

2. Tyra Banks World Domination

3. that snopp dogg will never love me

4. bees

5. animals/insects that hide in shoes



THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE:

1. Thai

2. Salvadorean

3. Olsen



THREE OF MY EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. big gold dinosaur necklace

2. charlie humping my arm

3. coffee



THREE THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW:

1. electric blue sweat-pants that aren’t really pants because they aren’t long enough and have the word PINK across the ass

2. a giant “I heart NY” t-shirt, it is gigantic, truly.

3. red nail polish



THREE NEW THINGS I WANT TO TRY:

1. anything

2. everything

3. nothing


THREE THINGS I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

1. freedom

2. fun

3. someone named after a snack



THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. not have to read for class

2. leave the country

3. graduate



THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. trophy wife

2. psychic

3. olsen



THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. Galapagos

2. Dubai (and stay at Hydropolis- the underwater hotel for hot sluts)

3. Prague



THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. live abroad

2. excavate a dinosaur bone

3. manage an empire  ¶ 6:12 PM