you can take the girl out of the metro.....



hola biatches!! i hope you sluts had a good hot dog day and that you continued eating hot dogs for the rest of the week when you rediscovered how delicious they were!!!! :) mmmm.....i will never stop crusading for the corndog and hot dog! or for hamburgers. or cream puffs. or boba. or chipotle margaritas. or sluts and bitches. for sure.

anyway, on friday i decided to grow some transportation balls and braved the metro all by my slut self to visit the CN hoes in burbank. it was hot. i had to get my mom's permission first though. that bitch said aight but she told me not to talk to strangers. i totally wish i was making that up.

ok so, i got my brother to drop me off at the city of industry station cos it's right by my house. i had to take the train coming in from riverside into union station. at the station an old dude in a freight train was making teeth sucking noises at me. it was both disturbing and kind of hot. especially cos i believe he was only working with half a set of teef. then that bitch got bored of my skank ass and started waving at a little girl. that shit frightened me. i was glad the little slut had a dad with her or that bitch would have been in some serious pedophilic trouble. train stations are some scary shit. also at the train station was this rad middle aged bidness dude reading a Danielle Steele novel. i almost told him he was my hero but then the train came and i got excited and forgot about him.

i got on the train and decided to sit upstairs cos top floor is always classy. when i sat down i realized i was in train heaven. the first word i heard coming from the middle of the car was "dick" and not as in Richard aka Dick, but dick as in penis....and what i heard for the next 45 minutes was nothing short of magical. what i figured out (i sat in those seats were your back faces the rest of the car) after a few minutes of listening (it wasn't eavesdropping because bitch was talking loud!) was that a woman, in her early 50's, had met a group of young sluts (about 19) and was giving them advice on all the things your mama never did. mostly metro-bitch (as i have named her) talked about cock. about how she thinks they are ugly, about how she won't put her face near one, about how she almost cut one off a man, about how she'd rather deal with a strap on, and about how a man feels he is empowered by having one and how that's bullshit. she also talked about her big toe and well, im sure you can imagine what kind of things metro-bitch and her toe expected. yeah bitch had no shame.

from there, conversation turned to spousal abuse and being shot and about boyfriends in jail. while the younger metro-sluts had some interesting insights of their own, metro-bitch was totally the star of this train ride. seriously, metrobitch was like the most amazing person i've ever heard speak in my life. she changed my life completely and i will never forget her brilliant and quite applicable advice. here are some of my favorites:

on promiscuity:
"Don't be no sperrrmmbaaank! uh uh. close them legs, honey! no man wants no used up woman. he ain't gonna marry you if all you is is a piece of ass. just dont be no spermbank! Save yoself, girl. or else you be popping babies like 'pop pop pop pop pop'" ::loud raucuous laughter::

on finances:
"MMM HMM. If you got $100, you tell yo man you only got $50. mm hmm cause you gotta think about you. you gotta think about tomorrow. Why? Cos you got kiiiieeedss! mm hm."

on making friends:
"Girl, be smart. You make friends that already gotta man. You always roll with couples. Don't be rollin with no single friends. You roll with friends that got men so that she don't be trying to take yours! You gotta be smart, girl!"

yeah the bitch was a virtual dear abbey. it ruled. she totally had other really awesome advice but really you sort of had to be there. sorry sluts. oh i totally forgot. also, half way to union station, metrobitch got a phone call. her ringtone: "Me So Horny". that's fucking right. as the phone began to ring, metrobitch proceeded to stand up and dance while singing her ringtone. young mini metro sluts joined in. this, was possibly, the greatest display of public dancing i have ever experienced.

this bitch makes me want to take public transporation like every fucking day. when we got to union station i was totally bummed. i stood up and bitch noticed me so she decided to include me in on her closing remarks. i totally almost peed in my pants from excitement. so she starts talking about dudes at clubs and how she "dont need no drink to dance" and how she hates when dudes do. she then told me (yay) that "shit, i can drop it like it's hot no matter where i be." then she did. she dropped it. twice. rad.

after the conductor slut announced that we should all be sure we had everything we needed, metro bitch told me she had everything she needed in her luggage, and whatever else she needed was in between her legs. the bitch was awesome. we walked to the train doors and before she said goodbye, she told the mini sluts that they were just babies and at the young age of 19 they "barely be learning how to wash between their booties good". and with that, metrobitch was gone. i really wish i was able to take a picture of metrobitch but i was seriously afraid her generosity would turn into beat down mode if i busted out the camera. so i made this:

there she is. metrobitch in all her glory! i seriously hope that next time any of us are on the train, the spirit of metrobitch will accompany us on our journey. or at least remind us to wash between our booties.  ¶ 10:46 PM