i am totally going to fail my midterms. 1. Do you still know/talk to the person you lost your virginity to?

-um, nooo. he is insane.


2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?

-dip them in gold


3.What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?

- mexican party music and teeny bopper crap.


4.What is the best thing about your current job?

- that the only requirement is that i get up and go to class. yes, my parents pay me to go to school and no i feel no guilt. i have no integrity and i like it that way.


5.Do you wish cell phone ettiquette was a required class?

-i don't care.


6.Do you believe in gay marriage?

-um, yeah! are you kidding me? if anyone should be allowed to plan a wedding it should be le gays!!!


7. Why?

-DUH, because gay people throw the hottest parties. (Glitter, gold lame', topless man waiters, drag queens, hot pants and feathers!!!!) Gay people should be the only people having weddings!


8. What's the most fucked up food combination you've come up with?

-hmm....Cow Heart. Cow + heart = not tasty. (i was in peru and staying with a friends family and that is what those cold bitches fed me!!! COW HEART!)...ok i know i didn't come up with that, but I rule at cooking and all my food combos are hot...so, cow heart.


9. Have you been on a date in the past week?

-yes, i had a date with pancakes.


10. If yes... how did it go, if no, why not?

-i ate them.


11. Where are you going on your next vacation?

-i dont know. it's always a mystery. i think i might be going to my motherland, el salvador, soon, like in Nov. If not, im making my slut parents send me somewhere, probably to visit my friends in London and Spain. those bitches owe me a vacation big time.


12. Quote a song lyric...

-"drunk as hell but no throwin up...half way home and my pager still blowin up, today i didn't even have to use my A.K., I gotta say it was a good day.." ( i totally relate)


13. Are most of the friends in your life new or old

-both....i'd say the majority are old. like what is old though? i keep about 3-5 friends from every major period in my life.


15. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?

-i heart Ikea. yes, because i love self assembly and i love that being in Ikea makes most people i know dizzy.


16. Are you ashamed of having it?

-having it? having what? embarassing...having Ikea? oh my god, is Ikea the STD of furniture? Well, Im not ashamed. I love my furnitural warts.


17. What do you wish someone would buy you?

-oh man, at first i thought that said, "do you wish someone would buy you?" to which i would reply: only in mass production form. how hot would that be. like millions of tiny jasmins everywhere. sounds like paradise. (shut up bitches, you know you'd buy one, whores.)


18. What do you think of hipsters?

-i think it's funny that there is a gang orientation centered around the shooting of hipsters in the face. that's way clever.


19. What are you wearing right now?

-denim, cotton, plastic, argyle socks, and chucks.


20. When is the last time you had mom's home cookin'?

-uh, 15 years ago. my mom can't cook to save her soul. i am totally my own mom's home cooking and i ate that yesterday.


21. Do you like your parents?

-i have to, they pay me.


23. What state/country are you from?

-cali, usa


24. Do you ever wish you were gay/straight?

- before i answer i must say, if i ever wished to be gay, i would only wish to be a gay man....but even if that was an option i'd say no. other than the gays i grew up with, most new gays hate me for reasons i still have not figured out and if i was a real gay they'd probably hate me more. bitches are such whores.


25. Tell us about the last conversation you had...

- my mom was explaining the goings-on of the 11am novela on telemundo or whatever


26. Where do you see yourself in one month?-in el salvador


27. What is your favorite smell?

-the outside


28. Home Depot:

-Some People Buy Their Husbands There, A True Story.


29. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?

- no. nor would anyone else. gross. (god just kidding sluts, most of my distant family is bi-polar and all those sluts are hot)


30. What is the time and the outside temperature at the moment?

- 12:30; cali cold so...like 70 degrees prolly.  ¶ 12:17 PM

  it's all true.....and it's better than reading textbooks 10 YEARS AGO, I...

1. was a freshman in high school

2. vacationed in Israel and Egypt for almost 3 weeks

3. liked the smiths

4. had an awesome quinceanera at this choonty place near my house where it was more about my mom than me; my mom is a hot party slut.

5. had a boyfriend that would tell me to leave my window open so he could fly through it at night while i was sleeping. *no joke, he was totally insane and marked the beginning of a pattern i should have been more aware of*



FIVE YEARS AGO, I...

1. was in australia for the summer

2. was dating a guy who thought he was god (no really, he did. he's the dude that now on and off stalks me.......i totally sucked at having sane boyfriends for a while.)

3. didn't tell my parents i was on year 2 of my 31/2 year break from college

4. worked at urban outfitters

5. hosted the infamous memorial day barbeque where i promised everyone snoop dogg was going to show up - ew, they are dumb sluts for believing me. It was still a hot party though.



TWO YEARS AGO, I...

1. oh my god, had a birthday party at dave and busters. And got totally beyond wasted. Like really beyond wasted. And I puked. It was awesome.

2. traveled through Europe with my good friend Karthika on the fabulous Contiki bus tour from hell

3. was not impressed with the America’s Next Top Model cast ( blah, eva was so boring and norelle works at Brass Plum Costa Mesa...so lame.)

4.walked around on the set of the Gilmore Girls (best lunch date ever!)

5. spent most of my weekends going to Disneyland solely for Corndogs and Indiana Jones the ride



ONE YEAR AGO, I...

1. worked for the Fullerton College Art Department as an office aide

2. was in a class that was basically in charge of putting up the shows for the Fullerton College Museum and had a classmate that was 40 and would get drunk while we had to work the shows. she also smelled like pee and onions and was in constant war with our Professor. My friend in the class and I were all about delegating work then taking 2 hour lunches at Wahoo’s where the handy man would meet us and we’d drink beer and eat tacos. It was the raddest class ever.

3. was considering applying to a private college

4. had a hippy color theory professor that handed out grades based mostly on your fuckability rating. The man was awesome because he wore big shirts with tropical fishes on them and would make random, semi-obscure jokes about a mutual friend we had (who shall remain nameless……..but you know who you are! Haha)

5. got a parking ticket every day......for realz.



YESTERDAY I...

1. ate my weight in pancakes, french toast, and corned beef hash

2. met Craig's 3 year old son, sam, and totally best friend forevered it with him (cutest little boy ever!)!!!!

3. ew, the gym

4. watched Crash......the most depressing discouraging movie ever made. blah, i hate movies with lessons.

5. stayed up and watched Dead Ringer, this hot bette davis movie where that slut kills her rich twin and tries to pass herslef off as her hot rich twin. it's a hot movie.



TODAY I...

1. finally got to talk to my cousin in austalia, i miss that slut

2. binged on edamame

3. cried when I heard the Tupac song “Dear Mama” (shut up bitches, that song is hot and tugs at my frozen heart strings, plus I am vulnerable during rush hour....rush hour traffic is not hot)

4. ew, ok, i needed new jeans so i went into Hollister and bought some. i totally had no choice..... i hate that place, it is OC hell.......but the jeans are totally hot, under $100, and perfect for my shortness.

5. oh my god, i made the most delicious tomato relish from scratch. it is super good on toast with some Gruyere



TOMORROW I WILL...


1. be excited about my Hollywood class because we are watching silent movies about flapper sluts and my professor is a crazy old dude who hates celebrities

2. spend hours in the library

3. salivate over the thought of my date with rainbow rolls on thursday

4. attempt to organize my closet

5. contemplate getting boonkrunk so i can try to meet hilary duff, maybe



FIVE SNACKS I ENJOY

1. corndogs

2. roasted beets with goat cheese and balsamic vinegar

3. gelato

4. vodka

5. soba



FIVE THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT

1. coffee

2. cash

3. happy hour

4. the on and off relationship I have with my dog charlie

5. my giant david bowie sweatshirt



FIVE THINGS I WOULD BUY WITH $1,000

(five items each worth $1000, not just a thousand split five ways)

1. oh my god, the 5 feet tall replicas of all the famous european landmarks they sell at Home Goods!!!! and then i'd put them on my parents front lawn!! that's hot shit!

2. my very own porn game machine thing (like the one at the Frolic Room/at every bar in the valley)

3. an ass-crack reading for me and about 8 of my friends from Jackie Stallone

4. blonde hair

5. andy dick (he would totally let me buy him for $1000… that slut is a desperate whore and will do anything for money (which is why I love him so)…..actually I could probably get him for $100)



FIVE BAD HABITS I HAVE

1. not calling people back (but only because im a dumb slut and I forget)

2. making friends

3. calling dudes "Stallion"

4. being a hot slut

5. buying things that are totally ugly



FIVE SHOWS I LIKE

1. America’s Next Top Model

2. Best Week Ever

3. Arrested Development

4. Girls Next Door (because of the old slut that cries because she can't be in playboy because she's old. that bitch is so funny, shes way nuts. but i think all those sluts are in playboy now....)

5. Veronica Mars (because of that episode about a popsicle going in some girls vagina...and the rape episode was hot too)…….damnit, I like ALL tv



FIVE MUSICAL ARTISTS I LIKE:


1. pavement

2. pretty ricky

3. i totally dont care....i totally love kelly clarkson

4. that black eyed peas song about boobs

5. stacie q



FIVE NAMES I GO BY:

1. slut

2. ho

3. bitch

4. jasmin

5. cordelia



FIVE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF:

1. that I have been credited with the ruining of several lives

2. that I love gossip

3. that I love television and magazines more than my family

4. my lack of self restraint

5. everything else



FIVE THINGS I DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF:


1. that I didn’t think of Holy Anorexia first


2. that I didn’t talk to Jonathan Antin when I had the chance because I was too drunk to walk and I didn’t think crawling would be very attractive. Damnit, what was I thinking….crawling is always hot


3. that I’m far from being an olsen (reality is so harsh)


4. that I forget peoples names immediately


5. my heart of gold



FIVE THINGS I FEAR:


1. myself

2. Tyra Banks World Domination

3. that snopp dogg will never love me

4. bees

5. animals/insects that hide in shoes



THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE:

1. Thai

2. Salvadorean

3. Olsen



THREE OF MY EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. big gold dinosaur necklace

2. charlie humping my arm

3. coffee



THREE THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW:

1. electric blue sweat-pants that aren’t really pants because they aren’t long enough and have the word PINK across the ass

2. a giant “I heart NY” t-shirt, it is gigantic, truly.

3. red nail polish



THREE NEW THINGS I WANT TO TRY:

1. anything

2. everything

3. nothing


THREE THINGS I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

1. freedom

2. fun

3. someone named after a snack



THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. not have to read for class

2. leave the country

3. graduate



THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. trophy wife

2. psychic

3. olsen



THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. Galapagos

2. Dubai (and stay at Hydropolis- the underwater hotel for hot sluts)

3. Prague



THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. live abroad

2. excavate a dinosaur bone

3. manage an empire  ¶ 6:12 PM

  Hot Slut History Lesson: Holy Anorexia



ok bitches. so the other day i was having this hot discussion with by best friend forever, brian, and the subject of Holy Anorexia came up. This shit is pretty amazing and is totally awesome because i love the insane lengths people will go to for God. That shit is funny. I know it shouldn't be, but in place of a heart i have an ice cold diamond sitting on a bed of feathers so what do you expect!

I think Holy Anorexia is special because supposedly God said so and i like that justification! it's for hot sluts. People that say they have the power to do things because God said so are totally awesome because they really believe it and i wish i could do that. If i told people I am doing things because Jackie Stallone said so, i would never get away with it. But i dont get what the difference is because Jackie totally thinks she's God so.....well whetever. Anyway, because i could not live without the amusing antics of those with the power of the Lord, i will dedicate this Hot Slut History Lesson to them!! (if you love god and jesus and you are reading this then i know you will not hate me because God told me i could do this. I swear.....to God.)

Basically Holy Anorexia is regular anorexia with an extra side of crazy. This is mostly associated with hot holy ladies from medieval times - about the late 19th - early 20th centuries who would starve their asses in order to induce visions and manifestations of christ and even god himself. ok, seriously, how hot is that? these sluts where so intent on becoming the future lady saints of the church that they would force apparitions and crap!!! Damn, that is totally the definition of saavy business skills!!!! you know "make it happen" and crap!!! i love these bitches for being so ahead of the game.

Ok but it wasn't always about becoming a saint, exactly......sometimes these hot holy ladies would do this crap to be the holiest bitch in the convent! Dang, that is totally totally hot. It's like how when i go out with le fags and one bitch will try to be the biggest queen in the room!! It's pretty awesome! Yeah so the hot holy anorexic lady would starve not just because it's what she was supposed to do for Jesus, but to be LIKE Jesus!! Ok, girl, work it out....i can't hate. I mean, people do that shit all the time today.....and just because it isn't for Jesus it's totally an evil sin to be all selfish and not want to eat so you can look like hohan..oh wait, that bitch got fat again......well but you know what i mean.

Yeah so some dude wrote a book about this Holy Anorexia bidness and its ties to "Secular Anorexia" and it sounds pretty hot. I guess what he is trying to do is point out that Anorexia isn't a modern disease with roots in Fashion and Hollywood, but rather a disease that has been around since like forever and that they are really not any different at the core. Dang, that's so hot. The book is called, duh..."Holy Anorexia" bitches, and if you care at all for this subject, let me know and maybe we can read this shit together! I dont know why i am so fascinated with this subject, but it probably has to do with the fact that i think throwing up is funny (but only when other people do it).

(ok no but for realz, ive known quite a few girls that have and still do suffer from anorexia and it's an awful disease. i think i find eating disorders interesting because it is so easy to slowly find yourself the victim of one without even realizing. Television, magazines, and other form of media are so instrumental in this and with the unfiltered amount of images glorifying the sick, unhealthy, emaciated bodies of powerful models for women [and men even], i feel it is empowering to become informed about these diseases as a safeguard. There is no real cure or easy out once you've been consumed by the disease and i really feel for those that might be battling this. dang, warm weather really does thaw out my frozen heart! LAME! oh and ps - i really do still think it's funny when people throw up, just not as part of a disease. ok maybe just a little bit as part of a disease. damnit, i can't escape my own evil. sympathy just doesnt suit me!)  ¶ 3:12 PM

  HOT SLUT HISTORY LESSON: Influenza (the most evil bitch to ever exist)

  ¶ 2:23 PM

  the hightlight of my day.....
HAS TOTALLY BEEN THE NEW TYRA BANKS SHOW ON UPN!!!!! holy shit, this show is amazing. tyra is totally doing god's work while being sassy yet approachable and looking damn fine all at the same time!! oh my god, this bitch totally has oprah-itis. she just gave some slut a new rent-free apartment oh no and then she went into ghetto talk with the white lady to whom she gave the apartment to and it scared the lady!! OH MY GOD BEST SHOW EVER HO's!! i know most of you lucky sluts are still at work (yay!) at 5pm and i know you feel sorry for my lazy no job ass, but damn, i totally feel like i won the prize today!! bitches, get a tv in your offices, put one in your cars, do whatever you must to watch this mess. I can't wait till oprah sends her a bomb!!! Oprah will definitely not let this go on without some sort of fight! my money is on tyra....she obviously still has one foot in the hood!!

ps- tyra just tried to fake cry!!! damnit i love her effort!!  ¶ 5:21 PM

  taradise no more oh no bitches....i am truly saddened. E! has pulled the plug on my favorite celebutante's hot show! this stupid skank was supposed to film two more episodes but they told her ass to come home. hahah, i can't believe the show lasted as long as it did!! Tara, if you are out there know that i'm gonna miss you and your drunken banter! im gonna miss your alcohol induced bloat meandering about on my tv screen and your big bloated vodka face enlightening me on the historical backgrounds of the most famous European cities while your titties flop around!!!! damnit i love you La Reid! COME FIND ME!!!!!

on a side note: oh my god, i love her trashy tits!!  ¶ 12:28 PM

  oh my god, kim stewart is a hooker!!!! i knew it!

seriously, kim stweart is a crazy bitch who is desperate to throw down with anyone!!! here is a joke she recently told Stuff Magazine:

"What has three legs and lives on a farm?"

"Paul McCartney and his wife."

oh my god what?? kim is such an evil cunt. ew, heather mills is still hotter than kimbo, even with her prosthetic leg!! oh shit, it will be hot if Heather and Kimmy throw down! you know heather will take off her leg and shove it in kimmy's ass....but knowing kimmy she'll probably like it and the two will become best friends! aww, i love happy endings!

  ¶ 12:14 PM

  HAPPY FRIDAY BITCHES!   ¶ 12:23 AM

  Hot Slut History Lesson (Movie Edition): 'Over The Top'
ok sluts, this week's hot slut history lesson was specially requested by that slut pringles. this is one of his favorite movies because that slut loves stupid, retarded...like really retared movies and makes me watch that crap. damnit, the things i do for people. anyways, pringle watched this shit when he was little and then this crap was on cable a few weeks or something ago, but we didn't end up watching this crap all the way through, so i don't know what happens...but i'm sure good prevails.

so this shit is about a hot muscle dad named Lincoln Hawk (played by Sly Stallone) who is rekindling his relationship with his young son after the death of the boy's mother and sly's ex-slut. so these bitches are all white trashing it and Lincoln is a truck driver and takes the kid around with him and tries to get to know the kid. Well while they are at some nasty ass trucker diner these little hooligans start picking on the son character (who's name is not important because it is all about the name Lincoln Hawk!!) and then those bitches arm wrestle battle. Lincoln coaches his son through the battle and those bitches end up winning....it gets intesne though....then Lincoln, in an attempt to gain his sons love and affection, becomes an arm wrestling machine and battles other arm wrestling bitches and they end up in the white trash capital of the west...Las Begas......this is when i totally lost it and peed my pants! this movie is about ARM FUCKING WRESTLING!


the end.  ¶ 12:00 PM

  dear ho's...if you are bored....do this:

http://www.bostonuk.com/names/default.asp

this shit is so right on, it makes me feel like you sluts don't appreciate me enough. you sluts are so lucky to know me......


just my first name:
You are charming, talented and have a very positive attitude to life so it is hardly surprising that you attract success and recognition. Focussed and patient you understand that material rewards are a result of discipline. Being so creative and with a need for self-expression you may be drawn towards the arts, travel is also likely to be important. A loyal friend, you are a person who must be allowed freedom and independence.


first and last:
Peaceloving and warmhearted you are seemingly guarded from any harshness in life attracting beauty, comfort and affection. You are poised and balanced with a positive attitude, people feel comfortable with you around. You have energy and drive and with your considerable talents worldly success is assured. You believe in sharing your good fortune with others and this generosity in turn brings you further joy.  ¶ 4:23 AM

  tamara mellon news


oh my god bitches.......so apparently my hot life mentor Tammy Mellon has been dating that douchebag Joe Francis (the girls gone wild dude)......anyways, so tammy was waiting for Joe to pick her up for their hot date one day and that bitch Joe never showed up.....he said he over slept.

well! it turns out that ho *joe* was actually out at some party with that disaster of a human being Kimmy Stewart (rod's daughter!)!!!! WHAT? EW. and Tammy saw pictures of Joe and kim making out!! joe and tammy were supposed to go on a hot vacation to mexico but instead of showing up, my tammy sent the pictures of joe and kim making out (loves it!).

well after that, that dumb bitch joe started talking all this crap on tammy claiming she was just mad that she had to crash kimmy's bday party a while back. what? why would tammy, the classiest shoe bitch ever, crash kimmy's skankfest? whatevs. these bitches are going to throw down. i know it.

damn that kimmy will do anything to get her ass out of the pages of modern dog and onto something more legit....like Star Mag!!! ok, i kinda like her desperation. i'll keep you bitches posted!  ¶ 4:06 AM

 
good morning bitches,

dude, i am stoked about begas (that's how my mom says it, haha, she's so cute). usually i am way bummed because i am totally sick of that place, but this time i am stoked. my brother and his 63030 homies are going and it will be awesome because they are all about the ladies and i love watching them get denied. hahaha those sluts are so retarded, but i love them all. it will be rad. also, my homies dont know this, but im going to try to convince them hoes to take me to the fabulous Liberace museum!!! B went last time he was there and said it was beyond fab and that there is a free cabaret show in the lobby or something like that!!! AWESOME!!!!!!

you bitches better be praying that the prings and i hit it big so we can pay for all your ass readings (see hot slut history lesson: jackie stallone). anyways ho's, i hope you hookers have a nice labor day weekend!!

oh and before i go.....bitches, never ever ever eat at the full of crap Tapa's place on ventura called "Ole". that shit is LAME!!! I went there last nite and it was totally not up to par. The slut at the front was retarded and not into us being seated. that bitch totally needed a midol. our waitress, though nice, was really really really slow and unavailable...we only saw her when she took our order and then when we needed the check...and the food is crap. so yeah, don't go there. that shit is whack.

oh and also bitches, i have recently re-encountered a stalker i have and it made me think about how stalking is so retarded. so if you bitches have ever tried or thought about stalking someone, don't do it because it's way creepy and it never works and it really makes the other person feel scared and makes them want you to die. i hope that doesnt offend any of you sluts, but for realz....stalking is super lame and so un-hot slut like. i have learned (sort of) to accept my life with an on and off stalker, but seriously, after 4 years of this shit.... it's still scary and terrorizing and really creepy and it never makes any sense. so yeah sluts, don't stalk bitches. and if any of you bitches have ever been stalked, i totally empathize and hope that your situation has been worked out. all right the end. have a great weekend, ho bags!!! ♥ ♥ ♥  ¶ 11:46 AM

  Hot Slut History Lesson: Jackie Stallone ( YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED...this bitch is SUPER insane, so you have to read all of it!)

uh, ok sluts......if you don't know who jackie stallone is, then you bitches are in for a treat. this slut is sly stallone's mom and is basically the craziest bizsnatch in the whole universe. this slut is probably most famous for her astrological and psychic "powers" and for popping Sly out her cooch, but there is more to this slut than ass readings (yes, she reads asses, more about this later) and her retarded son.

ok, so according to her biography on her hot website, jackie was born to a hot attorney dude and a parisian socialite/attorney lady in washington d.c. 500 years ago (ok not 500 years ago, but pretty much), but me thinks this bitch is full of shit and she was really the result of a bad bad laboratory experiment involving a tub of botox, some hydrofluoric acid, and a baboon playing in mary kate olsen's closet. seriously, who would give birth to this mess. it would like melt your vagina. anyways, whatever, so someone popped this bitch out her cooch and thus was born the most insane bitch to ever exist.

so this ho grew up in DC and had the way famous body builder slut Charles Atlas hanging around her all the time. apparently Charlie taught this bitch a bunch of crap and when the mess that is jackie turned 15 she ran away from home and joined the fucking circus. (hahaha, that isnt'a joke!! that's for realz...but i bet the real reason she ended up in the circus was because her parents didn't know what to do with their pet baboon so they donated her ass to the Barnum and Baily's Circus. jackie better keep it real!)

anyway, this bitch ran away with Ringling Bros. Barnum and Baily and became part of the Flying Wallenda's act. she did that shit for a while and then this bitch went Jane Fonda style and had her own excercise show on tv (but she did it before Jane, because duh, this skank is old as fuck. but you know what i mean). after her stint on tv, she opened some hot ladies' gym called "Barbella's". Eventually, this ho went on to create an outlet for other ugly as fuck yet physically fit hobags to strut their shit and started G.L.O.W. "The Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling" which she ran out of Las Vegas!

Ok so after that, this skank did the ultimate in hot slutting and joined forces with the super duper fabulous Richard Le Fag Simmons and made the hottest excercise video to ever exist...."Silver Foxes"!!! i wish they had turned that into a sit com! silver foxes was hot because it was an excercise video for hot senior citizens!! HAHAHAH oh my god, just imagine that hotness!!!!!!

yeah so her life was all fabulous and then one day bitch realized she was a psychic astrologist and that the best way to tell the future was to read people's ass cracks. hahahahhahaha. dude, is this what giving birth to something like sylvester stallone does to you?????

ok so according to jackie, she is the reason many "accredited" colleges and universities offer astrology courses. ok, what? what "accredited" college would let Jackie Stallone tell them what to do. this bitch is so nuts.

she didn't even get her high school diploma until she was 40. but to her credit, she did take her scary transvestite-looking ass to college and got herself a BS in Chemistry which she uses to make secret potions to keep her face from becoming a pool of vomit.

so apparently sly is making a movie about his mom's life and Jackie is trying to get Angelina Jolie to play her ass!!! hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Please god, PLEASE let this come true!!

yeah so now this bitch just goes around with her scary ass face telling people about their futures and the stars and crap like that...BUT if you really want to know the secrets of your life and your future you can take a picture of your ass and send it to her and for 120$ she will read your ass lines and tell you all the sweet nothings you've always wanted to hear!!!

i can't do her "rump-readings" any justice by giving you the information in my own words so i'm going to quote some of her "Rump-Readings" page exactly:

"Rumpology: Jacqueline Stallone has revived the ancient art of Rumpology.....The lines, crevices and folds of your fanny can, to the trained eye, reveal your personality, fate, and future in luck and love."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....this is serious work bitces! damn, i couldn't make this shit up if i tried....here's more....

"Send a close up picture of your rear and by either using a digital camera or scanning a photo - attatch your image to the order form" (oh my god, bitches...and there is an example of an ass for you to look at in case you get confused....apparently the example ass belongs to a "Hollywood Gigolo" !hahahhaha i bet it's sly's. that bitch will do anything for his mama.)....

"Jacqueline will read the image of your rump and you'll receive:

1. your personal and condensed, no frills report on the signs and markings on your rear end

2. a condensed, one year prediction in the direction your rear end is taking you...love, career, and finance

3. (ok this is the best one...) As in palmestry, the left hand print and foot print are your past, as is the left cheek of your behind. (then it's all blah blah, about your body being a temple..but you get a reading of your cheeks as they relate to the past and present!!!!! oh my god this is so worth the 120$!!!)

4. (same as 3, but it has to do with your right cheek and it's relation to knowledge and the future)

5. (ok i take it back, THIS IS THE BEST ONE!) .... An 8.5X11 glossy print of your rear end, which you may want to frame as a family keepsake when the fates smile on you; or give as a gift to a special person."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok, im not even making that up. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE!! hahahahaha this bitch is so brilliant! that is so genius! you know this bitch has pictures of her ass all over her house....and on her christmas cards!!! DUDE!!! i love that she actually exists!!

man this slut is so hot i never want her to die. she was recently on Big Brother UK but her ass got kicked off and she was super angry about it because she claims the Big Brother people made her look like a dog. note to jackie: hunny, you did that on your own.

anyways whores, you should all love and adore her and when you skanks get your ass reading please keep me in mind as the special person you want to give your ass picture to!!

extra bonus:
here is a the list this bitch has on her website of the supposed predictions she has made that came true......hahaha damnit, i want her to adopt me!

The Fall of the Berlin Wall

The problems of the royal family and why

the outcome of the OJ Simpson case (AHAHAHAHAHA)

The winner of the British General Election: Tony Blair

The winner of the US presidential election: George Bush

Color and make of the car and the number of victims in the DC sniper case

haha damn, Jackie is a true national treasure!!!!  ¶ 12:46 PM