look into my crystal ball, sluts! ok hookers, i totally am awesome at making things happen. so like a month or something ago i decided that i missed Andy Dick on television, so i put it out there and told some bitches to make it happen, and guess what ho's............THEY DID!





ok so i don't really get what the fuck this stupid show is about, but it looks totally lame.........so i will probably love it! it's going to be on MTV and all i understand is that Andy is hosting it and some has been reality celebrisluts are going to make guest appearances, one of which will be the walking vagina trishelle! this shit will be hot. oh my god sluts, i am so excited. i seriously love andy dick. he is the funniest television bitch to ever exist! damnit, i amaze myself with my mad nostradamian powers. shit bitches, i am dangerous!  ¶ 11:46 PM

  putting the i-bitch to good use Go to your iTunes/media player and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question

What do you think of me, iTunes?
mignonette - april march
(oh my god, my i-bitch thinks i am a hot slut, in french!! loves you too, bitch!)

Will I have a happy life?
This I Swear - Skyliners
(i am guessing i-bitch is telling me i will have a happy life as long as i finally embrace the fact that i am a heyna and i need to start putting on the black lipliner! damnit!!)

What do my friends really think of me?
Submission - Sex Pistols
(holy shit sluts, this song is so hot! and it's hot that you bitches think of me as a hot slut in water or something...... oh and you bitches will never solve my watery love or my mystery, some things are sacred you dumb sluts!)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Heartbreaker - Led Zeppelin
(SHUT UP!!! this shit really IS creepy!! but totally hot!! this song is way hot!! my ipod is totally in love with me and is also totally aware that i ruin lives!!)

How can I make myself happy?
Slumlord - D.R.I.
(hahahahahahahah i-bitch is crazy! ok ho's, so this song is a dirty punk song about starting a fire and being poor....so i totally can't relate but it's still a hot song!)

What should I do with my life?
the forbidden fruits - deerhoof
(i don't know what this means because i can't understand what that deerhoof bitch is saying! but i am guessing my i-bitch wants me to continue being a hot slut who eats the apple (...you know like that stupid slut Eve of Adam and Eve from the bible...because that bitch totally eats the fobidden fruit and ruins adam's life and the lives of all future generations...oh my god, i-bitch, you are so right!! i WILL eat the fruit! and the cake!! (like Tina Turner!))

Why must life be so full of pain?
Party for your Right to Fight - public enemy
(damnz, i told you my i-bitch was crazy)

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Fantasy - Mariah Carey Featuring O.D.B
(OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! that is the hottest answer EVER!!! mariah is a hot bitch in this video...remember when she's like walking around in those tiny ass shorts and her big ass donkeyface!!!)

Will I ever have children?
Still Tippin' - Mike Jones (Feat. Slim Thug & Paul Wall)
(wow, this song is crazy hot. mike jones is so retarded it's fucking off the charts hot. i hope this means that my kid will be black...or a pimped out car!!! i'll take either one!)

Will I die happy?
What A Shame - Crass
(i love Crass!!! these bitches keept it real. hahaha punk rock is so gay, but it's hot.)

Can you give me some advice?
about the picture - smoosh
(this song is cute. these bitches are hot for being like 12 years old! i totally love advice from bitches who don't have periods!!)

What do you think happiness is?
Headbanger Face - A.R.E. Weapons
(hahah, i heart you ipod! my i-bitch totally has the best sense of humor!)

What's my favourite fetish?
Panik - Bratmobile
(90's riot girl lesbians in baby doll dresses??? oh my god!!! how did it know!!!!! )  ¶ 12:44 PM

  birthday slut
good morning bitches. oh my god, so today is my hot celebrity crush #53891's birthday!! HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY SKANK!!! thank you for being hot, for being trash, and for being obviously disturbed and dysfunctional!! Macauly is totally one of my few celebrity man crushes and i wish that bitch all the best!! he's so fucking hot and flamey!!





( hahaha this bitch is totally wierd. his pic with mandy is so hot and sassy!!! i am not sure why i am so hot for macauly but i am and there isn't anything i can do about it. so bitches find me macauly and make my slut dreams come true. make it happen ho's!)  ¶ 11:15 AM

  mary kate and ashley have my heart
















it has been so long since these tiny sluts have been photographed together!!! i missed my tiny ho's so much!!!!! these pictures remind me why they are my heros and my favorite young hollywood celebrisluts!!

im glad MK is still puking and Ashley is not! Ashley is super hot but MK is super trash which makes her even more super hot!!!! Oh no, but me does think i am leaning more on the Ashley side these days! Man, is the year of puke coming to a short-lived end??? NOoooooo, i don't know anymore!! i did say that being insane and talking about it is the new puking, so maybe that's what is happening. We are mid-shift! well either way, MK is totally 2005!

crap: Famous DJ dudes who think they can disrespect you because you are a girl! ew. (just want my hot sluts to know, dj dudes who are famous only because of their family name and money are assholes who try to pimp you to their friends even if you give them NO REASON at all to do this! i am so sick of shit like this happening just because i am a girl. i know you bitches( guy ones) might think girls are full of shit and stuff but im serious, i did nothing to make this asshole think that was ok. Hello, all i said to him was "Great set today". I don't see how that could be taken as "Hey, I am a whore, please make me feel like trash and sell me to your friend." Ew, and it all happened in like 5 seconds. i mean if i actually had a conversation with the guy then i don't know it might make a little more sense.....EW! just because some people can be bought doesnt mean all people can!..and just because most sluts in hollywood are cock hungry fame mongers doesn't mean we all are. i am no prostitute. LAPD might think so but those bitches don't know nothing

(if you don't know this story: one time i was walking by myself on Santa Monica Blvd cos i had to get something from my car and these cops started following my ass because they thought i was a ho...ew and so did some gross dudes in the alley near where my car was parked..they kept asking me to go over there and how much i charged!..EW...im not kidding. i was totally dressed normal too, i was watching a play!....but i did have a gigantic shiny gold purse....anyways, those bitches (LAPD) followed me forever, they followed me to my car, then they followed me as i went back to meet my friends. they staked my ass out as i stood with my friends outside smoking... then when we all got in my car, those bitches ran my plates and finally gave up..they totally thought my friend brian was my pimp and my freind des was my sister whore!!!! they were seriously staking me out for about 20 minutes! SEE! TOLD YOU SLUTS. Bitches are out to get my because im a girl!)
Anyways.....back to last nite....los angeles f-list socialites are crap!!!! actually, los angels is crap!!!) im venting because pringles told me to. ok so maybe i can be bought.

not crap: japanese pancakes with red bean paste and green tea ice cream on top!!! oh my god it is the most delicious thing ever!! and the return of my olsens!!!  ¶ 11:56 PM

  this slut is unstoppable




  ¶ 1:45 AM

  LONG ASS INTERVIEW, BUT TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!


ok ho's, my favorite reality bitch of all time, janice dickinson (from america's next top slut) did an interview with radar and here is some of the interview. you bitches should read this because that slut is totally totally CRAAAZYYY!!!!!!!

she is an uber bitch and it's fucking hot!she keeps it way real!! i totally love her!!! she talks shit on tyra, the surreal life and lame as fuck twigggy. she also is totally proud that she totally killed her dad because he was putting it in her!! DUDE! (oh my god major sidenote: have you bitches seen the Pretty Ricky video?? dude!!! Pretty Ricky is NO R. KELLY, and you bitches know i ADORE the Kelly...but dude, pretty ricky is HOT SHIT!!! ok back to Janice...)

i have been saying since the moment i found out that Janice was being replaced that Twiggy would be a boring fuck replacement for Janice and there is no way that bitch could fill Janice's shoes!!! bitch better bring it becuase janice is the best part of the show!! well it might be good though, because now my favorite horse faced diva, Miss Jay Alexander will be replacing Nole Marin. Miss Jay is the hottest she-man in the whole world and i hope one day i can be as fabulous as him!!!!! im serious you sluts better be watching this show...america's next top model is hot shit!!) ok here's part of the interview:

Why did you leave the show?

I got fired. At first it was a trip. I believed in the show and it wasfun. But after a few episodes I began getting labeled a bitch, and that got to me. I was just telling the truth and I was saving these girlsfrom going out there and being told that they're too short, too fat,their skin's not good enough. I was to ANTM what Simon Cowell is toAmerican Idol.It's too bad.

I think viewers loved that bitchiness.

I'd rather be an honest bitch than some ass-kissing, sugarcoating,namby-pamby, wiping-ass motherfucker. I made the show number one in 52countries. And then I got the sack, and the UPN executives replaced mewith Twiggy. No one in America knows who Twiggy is. There's no wayanyone could fill my shoes. There's no way.

Was there anyone on the show who was particularly hard to work with?

All of them.

Really? Even Tyra?

Tyra's no walk in the park. Tyra's really righteous.

Why did you decide to subject yourself to The Surreal Life?

I did it for the money-it's just 12 days. My two children asked menot to do it, because they know that people are having sex and drinkingon the show and I'm in a program and I don't really feel likehaving sex with anybody-midgets or Jose Canseco or Omarosa.

How was living with Omarosa?

She's toxic. I thought it was Mr. Ed at first. I think that Omarosa's goal was to go after each person separately becausethat's what she does best.

Is she doing it on purpose, or is she naturally wretched?

Both. Behind the scenes I lent her my hair and makeup guys, you know,to help her out. And after she said disgusting things about my childrenand accused me of freebasing in the bathroom-which I wasn't-shecame to me behind the scenes and asked if I hated her. And I was like,um, yeah.

What about Balki?

Who?

Bronson Pinchot-you know, Balki from Perfect Strangers. Your castmate?

Oh. I don't like this guy. This guy is a gimp motherfucker. I made it very clear to the producers that I would not be groped or molested orhave sex with anyone-that was in my contract. The minute I walked in,Balki or whatever he's called started groping me. A few days in heasked me, "Why are you so angry?" And I said, "At you? Becauseyou're a fucking pervert."GUESS WHO?
(*hahah oh my god this bitch made no sense here!! you know her ass is still playing with pills!!! hahahaha i love her!!! ok back to the interview....)

So you hated everyone?

I liked Pepa. I liked Corey Hart. But you'll see on the last episode,there was this blowout and none of the cast members stuck up for me. None of them had any backbone as far as I'm concerned. Well you knowwhat? Fuck you all, then! [Glares at the VH1 publicist] They'repissed that I'm not promoting the show here, but I don't give ashit. I don't care. They don't pay well at all for publicity-there were no meals, nothing's comped.

Were they cool with you bringing your two stylists with you on set?

No, but where I go they go. Without Duke and Gabriel I am nothing. I amfake, fake, fake. I need my hair and makeup team; I'm not sitting around barefaced under fluorescent light for no one, honey.

I recently read your autobiography, No Lifeguard on Duty. How did your family feel about your revealing its dysfunction to the world? Particularly your dad's abusive behavior?

Clearly I upset both my sisters by announcing to the world that mypedophile father was raping my older sister on a practically dailybasis. Clearly I have unresolved issues and maybe some anger issuesabout men. For years I kept a secret of incest inside my house. Young people should not be held captive inside a house of secrets. That'swhat led me to a life of alcohol and drug abuse until a few years ago.And that's when you wrote the book.That was when I took my notes to Judith Regan and proposed a cautionarytale of incest. She added sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, and Studio 54.

You reveal that you were partly responsible for your father's death. Were you nervous putting that in print?

I threw his heart medication pills out the car window, and he had aheart attack that night and died. By the time I wrote the book, the statute of limitations was up.

Jeez.

Yeah. I've had a tough life. I walked some of the hardest pavementsin the world to become a model, and that's why I'm entitled to saythe things I do, whether it's to grope-boy Balki on The Surreal Lifeor to some wannabe on America's Next Top Model. Eat that, Tyra.

-------
ok hahahahahaha. hahaha i love this bitch so much!!! i like how she wrote that shit in her book because the statute of limitation was up so they couldnt charge her ass with anything!!! bitch is crazy and i want her to be my mentor!! SOMEONE BUY ME HER BOOK!!!!!  ¶ 12:08 PM

  kim stewart is a stupid bitch (<---oh my god, kim is such a train wreck! what the fuck is this bitch wearing!)

ok so.....oh my god bitches, i am for reals a nostradamus. ( i have been saying this all year!!!..that i have nostradamus like skills!!)

so remember how i told you ho's that the almost former jenny aniston pitt would throw down with kim stewart. well ok, that didn't happen but it would have if that ugly fuck kim hadn't sent jenny flowers because that bitch made jenny cry when she called her ass "homely but not gorgeous" hahaha. those bitches are so dumb.

if you still haven't read that issue of Vanity Fair you bitches better hurry up and get it! the article is mega hot. the issue is mega hot! oh oh and if you are a leo, september is your month to put on the selfish and embrace your inner dee snider (according to Vanity Fair..well ok, according to my interpretation of the Vanity Fair horoscope)!!! lucky bitches! my taurus ass has to be all accepting that i gotta keep it real and something about being cool with my family. lame!!! (if you would like an interpertation of your Vanity Fair horoscope for September...send me your sign and i will make it happen! because i know you dumb bitches don't read! haha jk sluts)  ¶ 11:46 AM

  summer vacay is finally here! good morning bitches,

today is the LAST DAY OF SUMMER SESSION!!!.... and i am super excited because my skank ass will get one whole week off until fall semester starts. i will try to meet all your bitch needs and schedule you sluts for some time with me througout the week. i know you bitches can't wait, but don't get all selfish on my ass. sharing is caring, sluts. ugh, i can not wait until tonight!!!! i am so sick of this class!! this shit is boring as fuck and if i have to sit through another 3 hours with a class full of crazy racist assholes i will seriously have to throw down. i am totally getting my ass a drink tonite because i totally deserve it. Alcohol vacay ends today!!! ok bitches, i have to go study for my final and finish watching this hot movie about the Khmer Rouge so i can get some extra credit points.....(this movie is way hot because it is almost about my people and there are some hot american dudes trying to save lives!!!) loves you sluts!! and thanks for being so supportive of my super studious ass this summer...you know with trying to get me not to study, keeping me from actually reading, and making me have to pull all nighters because you sluts know i am a weak bitch who can't resist alcohol, food, gossip, or coffee!!!! you bitches are the best!  ¶ 12:22 PM

  SOUL SISTERS (vintage post)
(ok bitches....i really need to update all you bitches on what sluts i look up to.....here is a vintage post of when i found out Zsa Zsa and i were also soul sisters.....seriously, that bitch is high class slut!)


holy shit, Zsa Zsa Gabor and I are totally soul sisters. check out this hot ass quote i got from some other slut:

"I wasn't born, I was ordered from room service." -zsa zsa gabor

That bitch is way hot and i totally know exactly what she means!!! We speak the same language..... I am truly reaching my hot bitch potential.

this bitch knows what it is all about. she once threw champagne on some bitches at 21(the restaurant), challenged some other bitches to a duel, and ruined a bunch of lives. we are cut from the same cloth and i bow down to this slut.

in other news:
i have come to the conclusion that vitamin water is actually NOT poison! i guess something else was trying to kill me those other times. it doesnt really matter because even though i thought it was poison it didn't stop me from drinking one everyday. that shit is delicious. (* it's true, i still standy by this....that shit is delicious....so is fruit water and smart water!!!*)  ¶ 11:58 AM

  penguins, jennifer aniston, and the new puking oh my god bitches...so this weekend, the penguin movie totally melted my cold heart!!!! the penguin movie was the most touching movie i have EVER seen! that shit had me in tears the WHOLE TIME, no joke. penguins are hot bitches and all you sluts need to go watch that movie!!!!! i totally heart penguins!!!! and morgan freeman..i heart him too.


also sluts, the new vanity fair is out and the interview with the almost former Jenny Pitt is hot shit. that bitch is totally going to throw down with Kim Stewart. She also basically says Brad Pitt is a heartless asshole (much like yours truly) and most of the story is her giving herself therapy, which is way awesome because being insane and talking about it is the new puking!!!! go read that shit. it's hot!!!  ¶ 12:55 AM

  more, please!!! (this post was from friday, and of course features my favorite skank, t-reid!!!!)

ok sluts.....this is totally replacing gelato as my favorite sweet indulgence. you sluts better be working on this shit.....because when i say make it happen, i fucking mean it!




(oh my god i love tara's super awful boob job!!!!!)

ok, and you sluts have to check out the show Starved on FX! it's about assholes with eating disorders and it is fucking hillarious! (the characters are assholes, like for reals!) it is perfect for cold hearted sluts like me.....and i know all you sluts are cold hearted so you'll like it too!
ok, and fianlly....

***ATTENTION SLUTS*** DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO CALL/ASK ME OUT/ or SEDUCE ME WITH ALCOHOL or SUSHI THIS WEEKEND! AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL MARATHON (EVERY SEASON!!!!) THIS WEEKNED! SO I'LL BE BUSY! AND IF YOU TRY...YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO THIS BITCH:


unless you hot bitches want to give me money or a present or something...then maybe i'll make an exception.  ¶ 12:51 AM

  tamara mellon, puking, and cowboy boots that are really tennis shoes (yo bitches....this one is from last week too....but i also have to express my deep love for the almost former miss tammy mellon. that bitch is hot for so many reasons!!!! she is a hot slut!!!!)

ok bitches. i am serioisly infatuated with this slut, Tamara Mellon. I read about her in the august issue (the martha stewart issue) of vanity fair and i totally identified with her ass. i believe she and i are also soul sisters. seriously bitches. i need t-reid in my life for trash and i need tamara mellon in my life for shopping and being hot sluts in private jets with. uh, someone make it happen. and fast. i really need a vacation and a nice tan.

here are some of tamara mellon's hot quotes:

"It shouldn't be a man's world. They may wear the trousers, but they don't wear the heels."

"I may not have the stereotypical head for business, but I have feet that were made for heels."

oh yeah, tamara mellon is the bitch behind Jimmy Choo. that's why her hot quotes are about heels and shit. here is a hot picture of this slut:




ps- her dad was also a hot slut and was the CEO of Vidal Sasoon. he told her ass to get a job and whatever she made at her job he would match it. dude, that is totally what MY dad says. (i told you we were soul sisters) well, except my dad is not a hot slut and doesn't own anything fabulous. but still. she is totally my favorite socialite. this bitch said no to college and went to an awesome finishing school that made her feel ugly and stupid. there is nothing hotter than that. she went to the same finishing school as Princess Di. i am totally in love. she also married a coke addict who is totally insane and has that one lawyer that's nicknamed "jaws" as his divorce attorney. that shit is going to be fucking HOT!!! they go to court in October!

...and today's crap not crap: throwing up

throwing up is crap because people get mad at you and tell you to stop and because it wastes good money.

however, throwing up is also not crap because it's funny and keeps you in check and hot bitches do it. also television has realized throwing up is not crap and decided to center a television show around it. it's going to be on the FX channel and it's called Starved. damn, when i'm right i am WAY right. my prediction for this year as the year of puke way exceeded my expectations.

one more thing....i got my "so ugly, they're hot" diesel tennis shoes painted like cowboy boots and they are so much uglier, yet hotter in person! i live in them!! they made their debut at Norma's hot party but my drunk ass forgot to take pictures!! they're red and they aren't actually painted like cowboy boots.....they are stitched! but im going to make shoes that i DO paint like cowboy boots cos i've been inspired. i'll keep you bitches posted and then you can buy them from me and make me the next tamara mellon!!!!  ¶ 12:42 AM

  lily one and lily two (*hello again bitches....this one is from sometime last week too and is important because chinese maids don't get enough press.....)

todays crap, not crap:

the interview with Katie Holmes in the new issue of W is CRAP. like seriously, CRAP!! oh my god it's so gross.


the interview with Martha Stewart in the August issue of Vanity Fair is NOT CRAP. oh my god it is the best issue of Vanity Fair since the Jesus Juice one. So martha has these two chinese maids both named Lily and so she doesnt get them confused she calls one Lily One and the other Lily Two but sometimes she also calls Lilly Two "Penny". HAHAHAH there is nothing more awesome than that. im totally going to follow in this bitches footsteps and call all you bitches Lilly One and Lilly Two and if you really annoy me im calling your skank ass Penny. Actually the new vanity fair has lots of awesome crap in it. Like the story about the bitch who "discovered" Jimmy Choo because it's juicy eurotrash gossip. and the disney article! is good too!! the elle macpherson story is crap...but go buy it anyways. it's awesome.  ¶ 12:34 AM

  dude, i totally changed my mind so i was going to repost some of the crap i have posted on my other blog but reposting shit is really boring and i can't figure that shit out, so i'll just post more recent crap. i know you sluts are all disappointed but i promise to repost a few of my latest entries......loves you bitches!  ¶ 12:05 AM

  testing, testing, slut, 2, 3...... Hello sluts. this is my first post on this blog. i have another blog but im bored of that crap so i decided to start a new one where all you lucky bitches will get to delight in my ramblings. loves you, bitches!  ¶ 12:00 AM